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Its Christmas Eve. I'd say this is the first Christmas Season since we've had kids (4 years) that I haven't broken down in tears at some point. And I adore this time of year - full of wonder and magic, mystery - all centered around this God-baby - Jesus.

At least that's how its supposed to be, but usually its just crazy town and I feel like I am fighting to find that wonder and amazement since Thanksgiving and I just put so much pressure on myself...blah, blah, blah.

There are two reasons this season is different: 1) we've pared down the crazy and the number of gifts we exchange and 2) I'm on Zoloft, y'all.

Please know I am not being flippant about it.

Exactly 2.5 seconds after my last post, I got a second opinion on some symptoms I have been for, let's see, 6 months or so. I felt much more prepared for this appointment, than the last as my Sweetheart and I had a very candid and honest conversation about the ups and downs of my behavior and emotions over those past few months. He is just so sweet with me. I had to really tell him it would be okay to be so completely honest with me. And I think my heart was really ready to listen as well.

All I can say is God is so good. I truly felt like I was having relationship issues with my heavenly Father at that point. But, He does not abandon, He tells us which way to go. He tells my heart - go this way, not that way.

For to us a child is born,
    to us a son is given,
    and the government will be on his shoulders.
And he will be called
    Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God,
    Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace. Isaiah 9:6

Wonderful Counselor. That the Right Hand would contain Himself in skin. Hmmmm. Shaking my head right now. How did He do that?

I am not alone. I am not spinning my wheels trying to "figure out" what's next - as if my Heavenly Father is trying to keep His Will hidden from me.

That, my friends, is a blatant lie from the devil himself.

Do not believe for one second that your Wonderful Counselor, your Mighty God, your Everlasting Father, your Prince of Peace wants you to wring your hands in worry, pull your covers up over your head in despair, or worst of all - and truly oh how truly this is the worst - to become indifferent to His Heart.

Please, know that my Wonderful Counselor, my Mighty God, my Everlasting Father, my Prince of Peace is whispering to you even now. We desperately underestimate His great compassion, endless grace and mercy towards us.

I don;'t know about you, but I have to fight tooth and nail to even barely get grip on the weightiness of Christmas. What Jesus gave to come down here.

And though the Lord give you the bread of adversity and the water of affliction, yet your Teacher will not hide himself anymore, but your eyes shall see your Teacher. ²¹ And your ears shall hear a word behind you, saying, “This is the way, walk in it,” when you turn to the right or when you turn to the left. Isaiah 30:20, 21

Thank You, Father, Father for Your Holy Spirit.

Labels. So I have a mild form of depression. Its taken me a good 2 months to talk about it - joke about it...My original title in my head (to Beyonce's Single Ladies) All You Zoloft Ladies. Right.

I had a hesitation because I didn't want to be thought of as, well, broken.

Some families decide not to get their kids officially diagnosed with Autism. This might mean that others will think their kiddo is, well, broken.

Everyone has some type of label.

I have no clue how to end this without sounding trite and ridiculous, I am so incredibly thankful to have taken my symptoms to my doc and gotten help. I am so thankful for our team for Little Handsome. I am so, so thankful for a diagnosis.

The God who made everything is making all things new. (Steven Curtis Chapman, Happy New Year)

Complain-y (totally a word)

Just chillin' listening to the Christmas station on pandora. Oh yeah. Christmas music. I think its in the genes to start this early. For reals.

Perhaps you noticed a little sabbatical in my writing. I was feeling complain-y about life in general and I just don't want that to be what this blog is about so I peaced out for a while. But I have been asking God for authenticity in my life lately, so here it is.

Schmoopy turned one last week which is just crazy talk. He's playful and a people explorer. He's also going through his own little complain-y phase which I thought might result in one less kiddo yesterday. Yowza. Teeth and vaccinations - need I say more?

Lady Belle is in a super cool "let's test every boundary known to man" phase herself which is .... Blah blah blah. I'm just tired talking about it.

So back to complaining - so many times when I want to share what's happening with us, I think, regardless of typical or non-typical every parent goes through these moments of gosh, this is just hard every second of the day right now. Please know my heart is not to be a constant complainer.

Little Hansdome is doing pretty well. I think what taints how well he is doing in my heart and mind - and oftentimes clouds my personal judgement on his progress - is that anytime he makes leaps in his development or gets new targets in ABA - behavior probs follow. Completely normal, but this keeps me from sometimes giving the whole story when someone asks for an update. The fact of the matter is that it's a constant struggle from morning to night. It's constant and complicated.

If you've ever been on a mission trip and come home and just attempt to communicate a smidgen of what The Lord did - what you experienced - it's almost impossible to express it all, especially if people are really just wanting a quickie answer from you. It's overwhelming at times. I wish I had a compact sound byte, but that just isn't real life.

And this anxiety is one of those genetic things that I know I so passed down - enjoy Little Handsome! No really, sometimes the anxiety of a change I don't like just paralyzes and silences me.

Oh wait, Christmas music break with Harry Connick Jr. Somebody pass me a hot chocolate and some snow.

K, I'm back. In our small group on Sunday morning we're taking a stroll through James. A couple of weeks ago we talked about works, faith and believing God and I talked about how I feel like as long as I have my own two hands on everything with Little Handsome - as long as I am in control - he'll be ok.

This is just a flat out lie from the devil. I was reminded of a clip of a movie (which shall remain nameless) about loving a puppy so much that you squeeze him to death.

Right. I have to let him go, give him up - every. single. day. And so many days, several times a day. This is my act of obedience - to give him up to the One who knows Little Handsome perfectly and completely. Easy to write. Hard to live out.

So the Scripture was fulfilled that says, Abraham believed God, and it was credited to him for righteousness, and he was called God’s friend. You see that a man is justified by works and not by faith alone. And in the same way, wasn’t Rahab the prostitute also justified by works when she received the messengers and sent them out by a different route? For just as the body without the spirit is dead, so also faith without works is dead. (James 2:23-26 HCSB)

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Vacation Visual Schedule

A few weeks ago, we went on our first for real family vacation to a non-beach location. It was AWESOME.

In preparation, Sweetheart and I focused on two things I learned at the weekend retreat for moms of special needs kids with Rising Above. These two things came from a mom whose two little boys won SIKids SportsKids of 2012.

The first: When you're thinking about whether or not you should travel with your special needs kid - Just do it. As parents of special needs kids, you worry about taking them out of their routine. You stress about making them stressed. And logistically speaking, its just a TON to deal with and my family doesn't even face the same physical challenges as they do. Just do it.

The second: Instead of thinking (obsessing) about the latest therapy, the best diet, AM I DOING ENOUGH? I need to change my thinking to how can we best enjoy Little Handsome as a family? This shift in thinking changes everything. The list of cannots is replaced by a list of how can we live our lives (with therapy, etc) in the most fun way possible for every member of our family? I can truly say this has been the best summer. This statement has radically changed my perspective of our situation. I mean it - radically.

Back to the Vacation Visual Schedule - we knew we couldn't take our big pocket chart with us cause that would be ridiculous and I wanted a vacation too, thank you very much. Enter our daily flyers. Some things are just so clearly God's idea.

We decided each day we would enjoy no more than one or two activities. Either at breakfast or in the car before we left for our destination, we'd pass them out. Handsome can't really read a map at all, but he loved looking at it and would act like he was navigating - so cute. And of course Ladybelle had to have one too.

We knew what those would be before we even left and I think we had maybe two extra in the event we needed to do something else. I used Pages on my mac (Word for PC) and simply dropped pics from the aquarium (train station, etc) into the flyer templates. I created a short little note since Handsome is starting to read and included a map from Google Maps on the back, laminated it and boom - daily flyer. I even had one for the house we were staying in for the ride there. It had Chattanooga at the top so Little Handsome thought for the first couple of days that the house's name was Chattanooga. I mean, so good, I can't write this stuff.

Do yourself a fave and watch this short little video about the SportsKids of 2012 - brothers - one typical, one with cerebral palsy. Their mom was just so down to earth and a kindred spirit to hang out with. Click here to watch the video of the Sportskids of the Year 2012 if you don't see the video below.

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Typical Siblings (My Daughter Ladybelle)

Right Now: Have I mentioned how much singing is a part of my soul? Specifically, being a lead worshipper. For the last decade this has been happening from the audience (I'm kinda loud). God has seen fit for me to worship from the front again, and while I am so aware we are drawing others to know Him better - y'all it blesses me in the deepest way, just when I need it the most. Thank you Most High. You know my heart like no one else.

A Couple of Weeks Ago: My Ladybelle (2.5 years old) and I took our first girls' trip. She's typical (that's autism speak for she doesn't have autism) and hilarious, a little girl in every way and just generally a delight. She gets all up in Little Handsome's business all the time and on a personal level, I am just so grateful that she's been a talker from the very beginning.

This Girls' Weekend was simple and needed, but there was one thing that I didn't expect. Ladybelle was decidedly lonely in the backseat. She pleaded for a good portion of the trip for me to come back and sit with her. Although it hurt my heart, I love that she not only pushes and challenges and coaxes Little Handsome (big brother) out of his autistic world, but she loves and misses him when he's not there. On a side note, she also does a great job getting her little brother to giggle in the car.

So when I am torn, between all my kiddos and making sure they are getting to be involved in this activity or that, God used that trip to show me that the very important thing is that Ladybelle gets time with me - it doesn't matter if its to the grocery store or to visit our family or to the post office. And also, that she has a perfect Ladybelle role in our family. I just love that He does that for us. Grace.

Visual Schedule Part 2

Randomly: sometimes Little Handsome does or says stuff that I just crack up over. On the way to therapy 2 weeks ago for the first time ever, "Are we there yet?" I mean I just died out laughing. So good. Precious moment.
I have some notes about part 1 of our visual schedule.

• To get Little Handsome to notice (participate) in the schedule, every single morning I stack the first 5 or 6 on the table. This is a moment I know the Holy Spirit intervened because our ABA Therapist was all like that's awesome because it appeals to the OCD side of him as well as aiding in developing his sequencing skills. I'm just a mom, y'all.
• If you have more activities than slots, be as detailed as you want, then condense the morning as you go through the day.
• At first, I had the schedule on the fridge but Little Handsome would study it for like ten minutes every morning before he finally sat down to breakfast, so I moved it to the wall right next to his spot at the table.

And now a word on scheduling in general. Temple Grandin speaks about how important it is to teach livestock to respond to both the man on the horse and the man on the ground. Relating that to scheduling, barring essential things like bedtime, etc., have some flexibility. We are pretty stringent in our wake time routines and bedtime routines. You have to be, but being flexible is vital. Why? Because real life is flexible. You want your kiddo to respond to both the man on the horse and the man on the ground. Same thing goes for who your kid responds to, gets therapy from - sometimes you gotta mix it up. Not the rule, but the exception.

The second part of our schedule: the on-the-go schedule.

I developed this from an idea I saw from a mom of a typical toddler. She called it a toddler watch. I call it a lifesaver. When we first started with the visual schedule, Little Handsome wanted to take it with him in the car. Yes, take the enormous pocket chart with him. Thus the on-the-go schedule.

It's tiny. Maybe like 1.5" square. It's also very detailed - as in like now you go up the stairs, now you put on your shoes - very detailed. It takes a ton of preparation and is a little more challenging in the summer than during the school year because during the summer things are a bit more fluid.  

Biggest tip I can offer: do an entire schedule for every single day. This means all I have to do is pull out Monday, already on its key-ring, maybe make a couple of changes, then I am ready for the day. Doing this means prepping for the next day only takes me 5-10 minutes. 

The on-the-go schedule is studied by my kiddo in the car and if I need to, if I feel there is a meltdown headed my way, I can point to the pic on the schedule and tell him, the schedule says we do this next. Lifesaver.

Little Handsome is 4 years old. We've been using the on-the-go schedule for 5 months. Sweetheart and I have been wondering if he's ready to phase it out because we've been adding "surprise" stops into our excursions - stops not included in the on-the-go schedule - he has responded awesomely. Not sure if I'll do it now or after school starts...

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Weekend Procrastination

I am supposed to be working on this AssessMe thingamajig for my friend-church (we don't go there but a couple of years ago I forged some friendships there and we still keep up). Its 87 questions, so I am procrastinating - just like in school. Once a procrastinator, always a procrastinator. Procrastinator - just wanted to say it one more time.

This weekend I drove in my car, by myself, for 4 hours. FOUR HOURS. It was the first time since 2008. No, really. I went to this indescribable retreat for moms of special needs kids. Not special needs moms - I said that accidentally to a friend this morning at church. Belly laugh.

Listen, I am not a women's retreat or conference go-er - the thought kind of makes me grit my teeth and make me order my own hotel room, by myself (I like my alone time - in case you couldn't tell).

But this was prefect in every way. I read a blog post by Jen Hatmaker the other day where she referred to our generation as her tribe.

I have to say these ladies are my tribe and I could not be more proud to be associated with them, to eat, laugh, cry and worship with them. We speak the same language and have the same fears. Check out their whole-family ministry at the Rising Above FB Page.

And then there was the included spa - but I digress.

God is so good. 

Over the last few months, the giant recurring theme has been God's Provision. If I am repeating myself, it cause He's been repeating Himself! I am - I know its crazy - still in the middle of reading one of George Muller's books. Mine doesn't look like this because I borrowed it from the illustrious Mr. Skip from church and its from 1941. Yeah, you read that right. Something Muller did that stuck with me was he wrote his requests to God down. Yes, I know you've done that before, but I mean like a dated sentence or less on one side of the book and the corresponding answer on the opposite page. At last count, there were fifty thousand prayers God answered for Muller, five thousand on the same day.


Here are two ways God met our needs that have nothing to do with Little Handsome from my notes: 4/12/13 seeing God: saw a 31 verse party in my neighborhood with strangers, wished I could stop and get this organizing wall thing, but decided I didn't need to spend the money. Three days later one of my aunt's emailed and wanted to gift me something from 31.

Also on 4/12. Squirrels in the attic. Sweetheart isn't sure what he's going to do. Even if we hire someone, our tall house needs a creative solution. Our across the street neighbor randomly rents a manlift to get their house ready for a party and Sweetheart solves the problem (with Him) for free.

He is so good to me. Even in the very smallest things.

He is FIGHTING for me. 

He is FIGHTING for YOU.

 ²⁹ Then I said to you, “Do not be terrified; do not be afraid of them. ³⁰ The Lord your God, who is going before you, will fight for you, as he did for you in Egypt, before your very eyes, ³¹ and in the wilderness. There you saw how the Lord your God carried you, as a father carries his son, all the way you went until you reached this place.”

 Deuteronomy 1:29-31

The LORD carries you.

Visual Schedule Part 1

One of the very first things the therapists encouraged us to do to help Little Handsome was to make a visual schedule. Practically speaking, I was completely overwhelmed by this. We were starting new therapies/ evaluations all over the place and the thought of such a ginormous arts and crafts situation was sending me to crazy town. It literally consumed my thoughts constantly for like three weeks before I put pen to paper - like that twenty page paper I would always put off until the night before in seminary.

We tried a picture exchange system (PECS) pre-made off eBay. While it was worth the twenty bucks for a few weeks, eventually it drove me bananas with its fifty million cards, Velcro and the fact that Little Handsome wanted to take it in the car despite its large size. Then our ABA therapists encouraged us to only use photorealistic pictures, not cartoon-like ones. Peace out PECS - you weren't a good fit for us (although you have been a life-changer for many nonverbal kiddos).

I even had a meeting with our ABA therapist to talk about how to accomplish it...yeah, that cost us 75 buckaroos peeps. Even though I researched Pinterest, etc like a madwoman, I couldn't find exactly how to get from a to b. And when your brain is already somewhat fried, that's what I needed. After much trial and error, here is what's working for us right now. So here is what I did for our large visual schedule that a hangs in our kitchen...

Step 1: Buy a pocket chart.

Step 2: While you are waiting for that to ship, start taking pics of daily routine stuff like a madwoman. At first I was very detailed, like taking pics of his toothbrush, brush, him taking off his PJs, don't do that to yourself at first. Your brain will explode. Here are some that we use on a daily basis: waking up, getting his sister, breakfast, lunch, snack, supper, nap time, watch tv, playtime, outside, pic of his ABA therapist, get ready to go(there are three pics on that one card) - I think I probably have about thirty I use on a weekly basis in the kitchen visual schedule.

Step 3: format pics. I had requirements in my head for the next two steps - affordable, easy, and I wanted each pic to fit on the cards for the pocket chart without having to reformat craziness on my Mac. So to the joy of my friends and family who follow me on Instagram, that's what I used. I did everything on my iphone. Taking the pics with my phone, I used Frametastic (another app) to put four pics in one Instagram pic, then published them on Instagram.

Step 4: print pics. Then I used the Walgreens app to print Instagram square prints at my local Walgreens in an hour- dont't think you can print your square pics on 4x6s to save money and cut off the excess - it doesn't work without major finagling on your part. Check retailmenot for coupon codes for photos at Walgreens to save money before you purchase.

Step 5: Before cutting, laminate. This is related to my next post on an on-the-go schedule. I chose to laminate the pics because I knew I would also be using them for that and the run-of-the-mill paper they use at Walgreens would not have withstood Little Handsome. I bought this great little laminator at Walmart for around twenty five dollars. Worth. Every. Penny. I have used it for all sorts of things.

Step 6: cut those bad boys up - do yourself a favor and use either a cheapie papercutter or one at your church or office. I have only just recently organized the probably hundreds of photos I have that now include daily routine, people, and places. More on that later.

 

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Grieving Normal

I didn't want to even write this - hence my total radio silence for the last few weeks. Then my friend, Emily, just had to write something about grieving normal which is only the exact same phrase I used to describe how I felt during and after Little Handsome's end of the school year musical. Once he saw us in the audience, he was done. No singing - only crying - and his teacher brought him down to me.

If you were watching you probably thought, no big deal, he saw you and didn't want to be on stage. Even now, I feel like I have no right to feel the way I do or like I am being super ridiculously whiny. BUT, I wanted to be a proud parent. And when we experience something like this that reminds us that our kid is slightly unusual, my outlook isn't just, "oh well, we'll get 'em next time." It's more like will I ever, like as in ever, get to see Little Handsome on stage singing, will I ever get to be that proud parent, will we ever get to be super pumped for him and have a blast at his musical? To some, I can hear you saying what's the big deal? Well, to me it's a big deal.

Cue me crying at the register at Firehouse, telling my mom, that sometimes it just hits me and right that second I just wanted normal. Sometimes, Little Handsome is making such strides and then something happens and I just grieve for normal.

Poor checkout out girl - she said it happens to her all the time - right. I'm sorry for mentioning Firehouse, Emily.

I don't have a pretty bow to tie things up with. I still feel this way in certain situations, I think I might always feel this way. At supper later that night, I nonchalantly asked Little Handsome why he didn't sing at school. He quietly responded, "there were loud noises." That's fair, I guess.

One thing that God did use that very day, was an Instagram pic from a friend from my YWAM days. It was an excerpt from My Utmost for His Highest for that day: The Habit of Recognizing God's Provision. Goodness Gracious.

Does it really matter that our circumstances are difficult? Why shouldn’t they be! If we give way to self-pity and indulge in the luxury of misery, we remove God’s riches from our lives and hinder others from entering into His provision. No sin is worse than the sin of self-pity, because it removes God from the throne of our lives, replacing Him with our own self-interests. It causes us to open our mouths only to complain, and we simply become spiritual sponges— always absorbing, never giving, and never being satisfied. And there is nothing lovely or generous about our lives.

Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest

 

 

 

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When Therapy Sucks

I've been holding onto this one. Sometimes, you can be doing everything right and you still just have a sucky day or like last week, an entire week makes you question everything. Like out of no where, that visual schedule you spent maybe 30 hours making and who knows how much money just doesn't work anymore. And you feel like your team of therapists should have the answer but they don't. Or maybe from the start you've been unsure about the owner of one of your therapy companies and then something goes awry and you have to have a "discussion" with them. I mean, these situations are totally hypothetical. No really. Okay, maybe not.

Therapy. I am worn out just typing that word. You don't just sign up for therapy. With each and every different type of therapy, there is an evaluation for your kiddo, then another appointment with the results, then you have to start - which means another person in Little Handsome's life that I have to just trust will do what he needs.

Currently, our therapy is this: 4 hours of applied behavior analysis (ABA) a week, school (Little Handsome is mainstreamed into a regular preschool) 2 days a week, 30 mins of private speech therapy a week (Little Handsome falls in the gray area of not qualifying through the school system because he's been in speech a year), and 30 mins a week of private occupational therapy. The only peep that comes to us is our ABA therapist, 2 hours a week.

This summer, we'll add 2 more hours of ABA. Side note on ABA: it's hands-down given us the quickest results. It's been amazing and hard. Unfortunately, our state does not cover it through insurance so it can be hard to find and is crazy expensive (shout out to our sponsor - my dad). Temple Grandin says ABA is the Christmas Tree and speech and OT are the ornaments. This has helped me reconcile in my head why we only need 30 minutes for some therapy and 2 hours for others.

Therapy is a yucky roller coaster - totally and completely mind-boggling one day and the next tantrums of ridiculousness. Sometimes this switch is in the same breath. You'd think I would've been ready for the ride since we've been in speech for a year, but not so much.

What we're dealing with now - is this awesome tantrum because of his autism or because he's three and he's trying to kill us ever so slowly? Our ABA company responds the same way no matter what. We agree to disagree. Now I know all of the be consistent blah blah blah and trust me, we are. But for this one situation, "just ignore it" just ain't workin'. Can I get an amen?

So shout out to all the parents out there wondering if you're doing the right thing. You can do it. If there's something not quite right that the therapist tells you to do, tell them you disagree and stick with your own plan for a few days. Maybe it will work, maybe it won't.

Gasp! Did I just say to ignore the experts?!? Yes. I do think this is ok in certain situations. I'm so controversial. Bottom line: your kiddo is your kiddo. You are his/her champion. Father God knows them inside and out and you know them the best after Him. Talk to Him about those things that make you feel unsettled, then stick to your guns.

 

 

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Comprehensive Evaluation Part 2

The past: Sweetheart and I met with the psychologist, the speech therapist and the occupational therapist that did Little Handsome's evaluations. I don't want to gloss over or hurry through this moment. It was weird. You know those moments when you can't explain why you react the way you do, but know it can only be God? Strangely, my prayer that day wasn't for Little Handsome. In my heart, I already knew the results and He prepared me for that. God just wanted me to glorify Him during that meeting. To show Him to the one's giving us the results. Weird.
I left there feeling blessed and taken care of, scared and exhilarated. So boom. We've got a kiddo with autism.

First thing I did was call his school and set up a meeting with the director later that day because all of the kiddos were taken care of. GOD BLEW MY MIND DURING THAT MEETING. My purpose was to talk to the director about how they handle special needs kids (it's a private preschool) and to seek out what teacher might be a good fit for Little Handsome next year as registration was coming up one week later (God is so good).

You know what my Savior did? Before I even called that morning, the director spoke to Little Handsome's current teacher to see what teacher might be a good fit for him next year. Lets just let that sink in...I had never even spoken to the director before.

He walks before us. The Lord will give you meager bread and water during oppression, but your Teacher will not hide Himself any longer. Your eyes will see your Teacher, and whenever you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear this command behind you: “This is the way. Walk in it.” (Isaiah 30:20, 21 HCSB)

Thus began the next chapter, the newest adventure. I don't always feel secure ...there are so many decisions you have to make. You have to fight. Be your kid's advocate. Be tireless and relentless in finding therapy all while having no idea what you're doing. Sometimes I feel like I was born for this. Sometimes you'll find me crying in my minivan or at the kitchen table.
All I have in You is more than enough.

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What's in a Name?

Ahhhhh, Starbucks and Gilmore Girls. I have exactly one hour by myself today while the eldest crazies are at school and Schmoopy is napping.

Perhaps you were wondering why in the world I named this blog what I did. Maybe you are even kind of offended. When I first started thinking about a blog again, this is the first name that came into my head. That speaks volumes of my sense of humor - and maybe The Lord's. I tried it out on my mom and she was like, "oh yeah. Funny, like if you don't laugh sometimes you"ll cry." So noble that woman. That is certainly one way you can take it, but, nope. I mean sometimes its just funny. Sometimes what Little Handsome does is just classicly quirky and slightly unusual and makes me laugh out loud.

Back to the name of the blog. The day after we got our diagnosis, I took Little Handsome with me to grocery shop while Sweetheart had the other two. Afterwards we stopped at Dairy Queen (very developed palettes, have we). Little Handsome chose one of the tall bar tables to sit at. We're just hanging out and BOOM, Handsome just completely falls out of his chair and onto the floor. Now I know my mom instincts should not have been to bust out laughing as I oh-so-compassionately helped him up while the world watched (it was half price day), but that's what happened. I did manage to stop myself from yelling, "don't worry! He's autistic." And for that I am pretty proud.

Yes, he was fine, but I will forever remember that incident as a defining moment in changing the way I view some things that Little Handsome does. And also how I don't want to be the mom that shouts out "he's autistic!" every time he does something out of the ordinary.

Because, y'all, my kid is extraordinary.

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Comprehensive Evaluation

Little Handsome and his beloved White Car

The present: Schmoopy (5 months) is kicking our butts lately with his out of whack schedule. I am so tired of talking about it. Shout out to the best former pediatrician in THE WORLD (and now a dear friend) for trying to help us through it. My body was not made to function on this little sleep. I think its a combo of teething and being so distracted by our crazy lives right now that have me stalled in the schedule department. Its a constant mommy-guilt fest. And I have decided that I no longer care about the different uses of its and it's. Embrace it with me. There are more important things in this world.

A couple of weeks ago my sis and her fam came to visit and it was so good for Little Handsome to hang out with his cousins. He loved every single minute as did the rest of the kiddos. I wish my sister was always in town cause while loving on him, she pushed Little Handsome as much as we do!

We had a fantastic visit with my dad and stepmom last week. They sponsor Little Handsome's therapy and were super impressed at his amazing progress. My heart breaks for those who don't have the means to pay for therapy, we are so very blessed. It is so encouraging to hear from your family that they see a difference after starting therapy. When you are in the thick of things, you can see improvement, but you wonder if others do. Heck I want to jump up and down sometimes when Little Handsome looks me in the eyes. Can I just say that has to be one of the hardest aspects of our therapy? The eye contact issue beats me down and wears me out!

My Sweetheart and I got to see Temple Grandin speak on Saturday. So good. She is quirky, opinionated and knowledgeable. I highly recommend seeing her speak if you are a parent, therapist or an educator. She left me feeling encouraged and ready to implement her suggestions! Little Handsome just needs to get a little older...

The past: Its taken me awhile to want to sit and write this down because the emotions of it all are overwhelming and that time in our lives was difficult. I think about all of the schedule shuffling I had to do and ask for help with - if you can't tell, we're a little schedule obsessed at our house. I was this way before our diagnosis, but now I understand why it was always so important to Little Handsome. Having to ask for help all of the time adds another layer of guilt that I should not allow to creep into my life. Again, we are so thankful that we are close to my mom and Jason's parents. I would be curled up in a corner crying if it weren't for God's Great Providence - moving my mom here when I thought it was crazy, keeping my Sweetheart's new job close to home, etc.

To keep it shorter - I could write/talk all day about this day - I kept notes on my phone and I will share those brass tax thoughts. Before I do that, at MP, this is their eval program: 1) Me and Sweetheart met with one of their psychologists for 75 minutes.

2) The next week Little Handsome is evaluated by their Speech Therapist, Occupational Therapist and the psychologist we met with - 3 hours. When you're deciding where to go for your kid's diagnosis, ask them if they do comprehensive evaluations. If they say no, ask if they know a place that does. I didn't just know this, our Speech Therapist told me exactly what to ask for. I was as lost as a goose - I didn't even (and still don't) know the "proper terms" for things. I feel like getting this comprehensive eval is essential in getting an accurate snapshot of your kiddo as well as saving your sanity by keeping everything at one location. After their separate evals, the ST, OT and psychologists all work together to come up with a diagnosis. Oh and one other point, ask for every piece of paper that they have on your kid that they can give you. You're gonna need those evals from the OT and ST later if you want to save time and money.

Finally, 3) The results meeting the week after that with My Sweetheart and me.

Here's what I wrote on my phone afterwards. The facts: diagnosis: autistic disorder with mixed receptive-expressive language disorder.  

Sidenote: under the new DSM-V criteria (may 2013), autistic disorder will be "melted" into Autism Spectrum Disorder diagnosis. We won't lose our diagnosis, fortunately. There are other changes that are totally polarizing for peeps on the spectrum versus government funding. Not gonna touch that with a ten foot pole right now.

Emotions: emotional, excited, ready, privileged, blessed, overwhelmed.

When [Little Handsome] was born my mom got a word for The Lord (as she does with each grandchild). His is adventure. So here we go!

His verse on his wall: Don’t let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in conduct, in love, in faith and in purity. (1 Timothy 4:12 NIV emphasis mine)

It is not lost on me that Little Handsome's verse is so perfectly tailored to him. Shocking huh?