Stronger

It is a byproduct - a gut-wrenching bonus that I wasn't expecting and sometimes I don't want.

This special needs world, community, fight. So much of it  - so many circumstances, situations - I expect them to be a certain way. I expect Handsome to respond this way or that. I am expecting one thing and am met with something completely different. And oftentimes it is the opposite of what I want.

And yet, God uses my weakness. God chooses me. God chooses Handsome. God chooses our family. God chooses our community. God chooses our church. God chooses. You'll notice I didn't say chose - rather I said chooses - as in continually chooses us.

Can I just say something? Maybe there is a crazy kiddo in your class at school, a co-worker that drives you bananas, a family member that makes you want to walk the other way. Please, oh please, take a second look. Take a minute more.

Often we talk about seeing past the behaviors that aren't social norms or perhaps don't fit into the mold we have planned - to see the coolness that resides in that person underneath.

BUT as I am walking through a situation in real time, real life, I am reminded by Him that Handsome is the way he is ON PURPOSE, all of him. There is obviously a purpose for Handsome himself and there is a purpose for every person that spends time with our family.

To sharpen us into something STRONGER. BRAVER. (idk if that is a word and I don't care)

So thank you in advance to all of the teachers, therapists, leaders, sunday school workers, ministers, and friends. I can promise you two things - it's gonna be awesome and painful. That's how God is. And we get to be a part of His Story and you get to be a part of Handsome's story. And guess what? Handsome gets to be a part of YOUR story.

Our family verse God gave us earlier this year:

Deuteronomy 31:6 (ESV)
⁶ Be strong and courageous. Do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is the Lord your God who goes with you. He will not leave you or forsake you.”

He goes - as in continually chooses to go with us.

And lastly, because He is healing my heart with this song...
http://youtu.be/6UXn_OuJkvE

Let Go of the Initially Beautiful

Lately, I've been living out my broadway fantasy debut with my daughter as we sing Frozen at the top of our lungs in the bathroom. It's been hilarious and fun.

No but really, it has made me think- what could have happened if I had chosen to be fearless?

It's no coincidence that I chose these precious verses for my daughter in her room: 

Have boldness...

16 So let us come boldly to the throne of our gracious God. There we will receive his mercy, and we will find grace to help us when we need it most.

Hebrews 4:16

For such a time as this...

14 For if you remain silent at this time, relief and deliverance for the Jews will arise from another place, but you and your father’s family will perish. And who knows but that you have come to your royal position for such a time as this?”

Esther 4:14

We try to teach our kids what we did wrong, don't we?

2 lessons the Holy Spirit is working in me:

1) fear of failure (just trying new things)

2) let go of what is initially beautiful, but only weighs me down (the movie, Finding Normal) and trimming the stuff that is sucking the life out of me

For realios, in the past month, these have been our messages on Sunday in either Small Group or through the sermon, at beach Retreat. Oh how great and mighty is He who chooses to teach me, love me and remind me, while scooping me up and holding me close. Our God is the Awesome God. The only True God. 

Let me relate this to Handsome - we have bazillions of professional people's opinions in our lives from all sides regarding this crazy adventure of Autism Spectrum Disorder. BUT, if we put him in every therapy, saw every specialist, tried every holistic or medical approach - what would that do to our FAMILY as a WHOLE???

My God is so big, so strong and so mighty - there is NOTHING my God cannot do. 

So we work. We struggle. We strive for a balance for our family as a whole and Sweetheart and I work, struggle, strive for run after each other, romance each other, laugh together. Because that relationship is crucial to our family - crucial to our survival and crucial to our element of FUN.

Letting go of what is initially beautiful, but only weighs me down...

Rigidity and Sheldon Cooper

Savior, He can move the mountains. My God is Mighty to save, He is Mighty to save. Forever, author of salvation. He rose and conquered the grave. Jesus conquered the grave...Songwriters
CLAWSON, RODNEY / CLAWSON, RODNEY

My God is Mighty to Save. Today, I have my headphones on during naptime. It's what it takes to hear sometimes. They'll survive in their rooms on their own for a while - its foolish of me to think otherwise.

I don't even know what I am writing about today. Just felt compelled to do so!

I rejoice over His Goodness and that He gives you and I the chance to participate in His Story - mind-boggling. I rejoice over the friends that He has shown me over the past year. This was a pointed prayer that I have had for a few years - wanting deep friendships with ladies close to me that I would see often. He has so provided. How thankful I am am to have this support and love from you. You are praying. We see it. We feel it. Thank you for being used by the Great and Mighty. Goodness, Lord, lead me to the Cross.

I deeply encourage you to reach out to your community of friends and share your struggles.

I just want His Heart. His Heart often involves ministry when we feel 100% EXHAUSTED. Which is basically what most mom's (parents) feel all the time. I think there are stages of therapy like there are stages of grief...Right now, I find myself talking more to the mom's around me whereas, a year ago I would peace out into my own world - self-preservation in the crazy. BUT, stepping out and just having conversations with these fellow therapy mom's that are part of my tribe and speak my language is just fantastic.

Another thing that has been happening - I've started working with Usborne Books & More. Perhaps you're thinking - what the crap?

I gotta tell you, I just feel like He is delighting in me having fun with it. If it is ever something different than that, I will shift my focus. For now, I spend an hour or two a day on it - during the kiddos' naps.

Handsome has definitely improved since my last post. We have pinpointed a few things. Mainly as of late, rigidity. This is a term used alot with Asperger's kids and those diagnosed with OCD. Handsome is not diagnosed with Aspergers (which clinically doesn't exist anymore due to the DSM-V changes) and would never have been as he had a speech delay. Click here for a blog post that describes rigidity from the autistic perspective. 

Here is a hilarious example of rigidity from Big Bang Theory. This is EXACTLY what our ABA therapists are doing with Handsome starting this week. I had one of our therapists say you know [Handsome] is Sheldon, right?

Snowmeggedon, Snowpocalypse, & Setbacks

For the love. The past six weeks have been nothing short of stinkin' rough. I really didn't realize how long it had been until my mom got to see one of Handsome's meltdowns that have been happening between 1 and 3 times DAILY. Apparently, I had not told her about it because, as I told her, its just our normal life and what we have to work through and past. We're in a valley of the rollercoaster ride.

School and therapy has drastically been reduced because of the winter weather these past few weeks. I'd say we've had roughly half the amount of therapy and a quarter less of school. I had hoped we would've bounced back by now.

I am reaching out for your prayers, y'all. We are going to increase our therapy a bit for at least the next few weeks.

Here's what you can pray:
1) for Handsome's brain to be more flexible. His OCD tendencies are really at an all time high right now, I really can't adequately express how disruptive and exhausting this is for our entire family.

2) for extra stength for Sweetheart and I

3) wisdom - oh Father, we need wisdom

4) For understanding from Ladybelle - she's really starting to pick up on Handsome's different behavior and is going through that awesome testing stage herself. (Schmoopy, is cool but tried to have a stomach virus this week. He was happy none-the-less.)

5) consistency on how we implement what we learn in therapy

Thank you for loving us, lifting us up, treasuring us, carrying us. We are so blessed.

Labels

Its Christmas Eve. I'd say this is the first Christmas Season since we've had kids (4 years) that I haven't broken down in tears at some point. And I adore this time of year - full of wonder and magic, mystery - all centered around this God-baby - Jesus.

At least that's how its supposed to be, but usually its just crazy town and I feel like I am fighting to find that wonder and amazement since Thanksgiving and I just put so much pressure on myself...blah, blah, blah.

There are two reasons this season is different: 1) we've pared down the crazy and the number of gifts we exchange and 2) I'm on Zoloft, y'all.

Please know I am not being flippant about it.

Exactly 2.5 seconds after my last post, I got a second opinion on some symptoms I have been for, let's see, 6 months or so. I felt much more prepared for this appointment, than the last as my Sweetheart and I had a very candid and honest conversation about the ups and downs of my behavior and emotions over those past few months. He is just so sweet with me. I had to really tell him it would be okay to be so completely honest with me. And I think my heart was really ready to listen as well.

All I can say is God is so good. I truly felt like I was having relationship issues with my heavenly Father at that point. But, He does not abandon, He tells us which way to go. He tells my heart - go this way, not that way.

For to us a child is born,
    to us a son is given,
    and the government will be on his shoulders.
And he will be called
    Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God,
    Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace. Isaiah 9:6

Wonderful Counselor. That the Right Hand would contain Himself in skin. Hmmmm. Shaking my head right now. How did He do that?

I am not alone. I am not spinning my wheels trying to "figure out" what's next - as if my Heavenly Father is trying to keep His Will hidden from me.

That, my friends, is a blatant lie from the devil himself.

Do not believe for one second that your Wonderful Counselor, your Mighty God, your Everlasting Father, your Prince of Peace wants you to wring your hands in worry, pull your covers up over your head in despair, or worst of all - and truly oh how truly this is the worst - to become indifferent to His Heart.

Please, know that my Wonderful Counselor, my Mighty God, my Everlasting Father, my Prince of Peace is whispering to you even now. We desperately underestimate His great compassion, endless grace and mercy towards us.

I don;'t know about you, but I have to fight tooth and nail to even barely get grip on the weightiness of Christmas. What Jesus gave to come down here.

And though the Lord give you the bread of adversity and the water of affliction, yet your Teacher will not hide himself anymore, but your eyes shall see your Teacher. ²¹ And your ears shall hear a word behind you, saying, “This is the way, walk in it,” when you turn to the right or when you turn to the left. Isaiah 30:20, 21

Thank You, Father, Father for Your Holy Spirit.

Labels. So I have a mild form of depression. Its taken me a good 2 months to talk about it - joke about it...My original title in my head (to Beyonce's Single Ladies) All You Zoloft Ladies. Right.

I had a hesitation because I didn't want to be thought of as, well, broken.

Some families decide not to get their kids officially diagnosed with Autism. This might mean that others will think their kiddo is, well, broken.

Everyone has some type of label.

I have no clue how to end this without sounding trite and ridiculous, I am so incredibly thankful to have taken my symptoms to my doc and gotten help. I am so thankful for our team for Little Handsome. I am so, so thankful for a diagnosis.

The God who made everything is making all things new. (Steven Curtis Chapman, Happy New Year)

Complain-y (totally a word)

Just chillin' listening to the Christmas station on pandora. Oh yeah. Christmas music. I think its in the genes to start this early. For reals.

Perhaps you noticed a little sabbatical in my writing. I was feeling complain-y about life in general and I just don't want that to be what this blog is about so I peaced out for a while. But I have been asking God for authenticity in my life lately, so here it is.

Schmoopy turned one last week which is just crazy talk. He's playful and a people explorer. He's also going through his own little complain-y phase which I thought might result in one less kiddo yesterday. Yowza. Teeth and vaccinations - need I say more?

Lady Belle is in a super cool "let's test every boundary known to man" phase herself which is .... Blah blah blah. I'm just tired talking about it.

So back to complaining - so many times when I want to share what's happening with us, I think, regardless of typical or non-typical every parent goes through these moments of gosh, this is just hard every second of the day right now. Please know my heart is not to be a constant complainer.

Little Hansdome is doing pretty well. I think what taints how well he is doing in my heart and mind - and oftentimes clouds my personal judgement on his progress - is that anytime he makes leaps in his development or gets new targets in ABA - behavior probs follow. Completely normal, but this keeps me from sometimes giving the whole story when someone asks for an update. The fact of the matter is that it's a constant struggle from morning to night. It's constant and complicated.

If you've ever been on a mission trip and come home and just attempt to communicate a smidgen of what The Lord did - what you experienced - it's almost impossible to express it all, especially if people are really just wanting a quickie answer from you. It's overwhelming at times. I wish I had a compact sound byte, but that just isn't real life.

And this anxiety is one of those genetic things that I know I so passed down - enjoy Little Handsome! No really, sometimes the anxiety of a change I don't like just paralyzes and silences me.

Oh wait, Christmas music break with Harry Connick Jr. Somebody pass me a hot chocolate and some snow.

K, I'm back. In our small group on Sunday morning we're taking a stroll through James. A couple of weeks ago we talked about works, faith and believing God and I talked about how I feel like as long as I have my own two hands on everything with Little Handsome - as long as I am in control - he'll be ok.

This is just a flat out lie from the devil. I was reminded of a clip of a movie (which shall remain nameless) about loving a puppy so much that you squeeze him to death.

Right. I have to let him go, give him up - every. single. day. And so many days, several times a day. This is my act of obedience - to give him up to the One who knows Little Handsome perfectly and completely. Easy to write. Hard to live out.

So the Scripture was fulfilled that says, Abraham believed God, and it was credited to him for righteousness, and he was called God’s friend. You see that a man is justified by works and not by faith alone. And in the same way, wasn’t Rahab the prostitute also justified by works when she received the messengers and sent them out by a different route? For just as the body without the spirit is dead, so also faith without works is dead. (James 2:23-26 HCSB)

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Vacation Visual Schedule

A few weeks ago, we went on our first for real family vacation to a non-beach location. It was AWESOME.

In preparation, Sweetheart and I focused on two things I learned at the weekend retreat for moms of special needs kids with Rising Above. These two things came from a mom whose two little boys won SIKids SportsKids of 2012.

The first: When you're thinking about whether or not you should travel with your special needs kid - Just do it. As parents of special needs kids, you worry about taking them out of their routine. You stress about making them stressed. And logistically speaking, its just a TON to deal with and my family doesn't even face the same physical challenges as they do. Just do it.

The second: Instead of thinking (obsessing) about the latest therapy, the best diet, AM I DOING ENOUGH? I need to change my thinking to how can we best enjoy Little Handsome as a family? This shift in thinking changes everything. The list of cannots is replaced by a list of how can we live our lives (with therapy, etc) in the most fun way possible for every member of our family? I can truly say this has been the best summer. This statement has radically changed my perspective of our situation. I mean it - radically.

Back to the Vacation Visual Schedule - we knew we couldn't take our big pocket chart with us cause that would be ridiculous and I wanted a vacation too, thank you very much. Enter our daily flyers. Some things are just so clearly God's idea.

We decided each day we would enjoy no more than one or two activities. Either at breakfast or in the car before we left for our destination, we'd pass them out. Handsome can't really read a map at all, but he loved looking at it and would act like he was navigating - so cute. And of course Ladybelle had to have one too.

We knew what those would be before we even left and I think we had maybe two extra in the event we needed to do something else. I used Pages on my mac (Word for PC) and simply dropped pics from the aquarium (train station, etc) into the flyer templates. I created a short little note since Handsome is starting to read and included a map from Google Maps on the back, laminated it and boom - daily flyer. I even had one for the house we were staying in for the ride there. It had Chattanooga at the top so Little Handsome thought for the first couple of days that the house's name was Chattanooga. I mean, so good, I can't write this stuff.

Do yourself a fave and watch this short little video about the SportsKids of 2012 - brothers - one typical, one with cerebral palsy. Their mom was just so down to earth and a kindred spirit to hang out with. Click here to watch the video of the Sportskids of the Year 2012 if you don't see the video below.

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