Grieving Normal

I didn't want to even write this - hence my total radio silence for the last few weeks. Then my friend, Emily, just had to write something about grieving normal which is only the exact same phrase I used to describe how I felt during and after Little Handsome's end of the school year musical. Once he saw us in the audience, he was done. No singing - only crying - and his teacher brought him down to me.

If you were watching you probably thought, no big deal, he saw you and didn't want to be on stage. Even now, I feel like I have no right to feel the way I do or like I am being super ridiculously whiny. BUT, I wanted to be a proud parent. And when we experience something like this that reminds us that our kid is slightly unusual, my outlook isn't just, "oh well, we'll get 'em next time." It's more like will I ever, like as in ever, get to see Little Handsome on stage singing, will I ever get to be that proud parent, will we ever get to be super pumped for him and have a blast at his musical? To some, I can hear you saying what's the big deal? Well, to me it's a big deal.

Cue me crying at the register at Firehouse, telling my mom, that sometimes it just hits me and right that second I just wanted normal. Sometimes, Little Handsome is making such strides and then something happens and I just grieve for normal.

Poor checkout out girl - she said it happens to her all the time - right. I'm sorry for mentioning Firehouse, Emily.

I don't have a pretty bow to tie things up with. I still feel this way in certain situations, I think I might always feel this way. At supper later that night, I nonchalantly asked Little Handsome why he didn't sing at school. He quietly responded, "there were loud noises." That's fair, I guess.

One thing that God did use that very day, was an Instagram pic from a friend from my YWAM days. It was an excerpt from My Utmost for His Highest for that day: The Habit of Recognizing God's Provision. Goodness Gracious.

Does it really matter that our circumstances are difficult? Why shouldn’t they be! If we give way to self-pity and indulge in the luxury of misery, we remove God’s riches from our lives and hinder others from entering into His provision. No sin is worse than the sin of self-pity, because it removes God from the throne of our lives, replacing Him with our own self-interests. It causes us to open our mouths only to complain, and we simply become spiritual sponges— always absorbing, never giving, and never being satisfied. And there is nothing lovely or generous about our lives.

Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest

 

 

 

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